Perfecting A Memory
by Firespirit1
Summary: Sequel to Time Will Tell. Jess comes back to Maine and to Jonny. Written 3 years after TWT and a long read.


Name: Firespirit  
E-mail: ElBucko17@aol.com  
Title: Perfecting A Memory  
Rating: PG13...lemon scented  
Category: Music Fic, Angst, J/J Romance, Future  
Disclaimer: Don't own the Quest team or Irene...do own Rena though. Song  
is I Should Be Laughing by Patty Smyth and reading is from Shakespeare's  
Cymbeline.  
Archivers: Go for it.  
Summary: Sequeal to Time Will Tell.  
  
  
  
"Flight 216 from LA will now be arriving."  
  
I glanced down at the letter in my hand. Yep, this was the flight I was  
waiting for. Jessie.  
  
Against my will my heart starts to beat faster. I frown and twist the   
wedding ring that still decorates my left index finger to steady it.   
Jessie. I wonder how much she's changed. The girl who frequents most of   
my memories is a free spirit with fiery hair and a temper to match. But   
sometimes there's the lost soul I found balanced on the edge of the   
cliffs after her father's death. I never thought that I would ever see   
eyes so full of despair and uncertainty. I sometimes wonder if she would  
have jumped off the cliffs and soared if I hadn't come along just then.   
Most of the time I think that she could have flown if she jumped, but   
then I remember her eyes and I honestly can't say for sure that she   
would have chosen life.   
  
The gates are opening and I search the wave of people for the cap of   
gleaming red hair I once knew and loved so well. I see it bobbing   
amongst the sea of faces.  
  
  
Somewhere in a scrapbook  
There's a rose you gave to me  
And a photograph that's torn in half  
And all that's left is me  
  
  
My eyes search the crowd in front of me. Jonny's here, somewhere in this   
mob of bodies.  
  
My eyes connect with stunning blue ones and all my regrets, all my   
disappointments, all my worries disappear. Without warning my pace   
speeds up and I launch myself into his arms. It's amazing now that I   
think of it, how his arms were already opening as if he knew that I   
would rush into them.   
  
I pull back and study him. The boy's face that has been etched in my   
mind all these years is now that of a man. He still has that mop of   
unruly hair that I remember and his eyes are still the shade of a summer  
sky, but now there's a weariness in them. We were the same height when I  
left but now he has a good three inches over my 5'7". He's seems to have  
shed his black shirt, faded jeans, and scuffed high tops for a pair of   
casual khaki pants and a blue button down top. He's a little too thin but  
he still looks like heaven to me. "Look at you, all grown up and without   
that annoying black shirt. What was that thing made of anyway? Spandax?"  
  
He just raises an eyebrow at me before speaking. "Oh, and you're one to   
talk Miss Pink jumpsuit!"  
  
I laugh. "Well at least we got taste when we grew up." I suddenly   
remember why I'm here and all my laughter seems to fade away. Dr. Quest,  
my former mentor and surrogate uncle, is dead. I place a comforting hand  
on Jonny's arm. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm doing okay actually, all things considered. Sometimes I wake up in   
the morning and I expect him to be downstairs at the kitchen table   
reading the paper. But when I get to the kitchen he isn't there and I   
remember." The light that had temporarily entered his eyes was now gone   
and I regret taking that away. But I couldn't very well avoid the topic   
forever. "Come on, let's go get your stuff and get out of here." he said  
taking my hand and dragging me towards the baggage claim.   
  
It wasn't until I was settling beside him in the car with my luggage in   
the back seat that I noticed the wedding band on his finger and my   
heart froze. Sure, I didn't seriously expect him to wait forever for me   
to get my act together...   
  
Okay, so maybe I did and I'm beginning to realize that it was a selfish   
of me. After all, I had my share of romances after I left. But marriage!   
I always knew that Jonny was one of the few people I could truly belong   
with, if not the only one.  
  
Apparently Jonny hadn't felt the same way when he said that he loved me.   
  
But that's not fair to him. I was the one who deserted him and he had   
every right to find happiness. And I'm going to make myself be delighted  
that he did.  
  
  
And happily ever after darling  
Well that came after I was gone  
And they tell you that, you can't go back  
So why can't I go on  
  
  
I couldn't help but notice that Jess seemed to tense up about halfway   
home. I tried my best to concentrate on driving but my eyes would keep   
drifting towards her profile. Not the smartest way to drive on Maine   
roads. It was she who broke the silence.  
  
"So, how did it happen." I knew, of course, that she was talking about   
my father's death. If I hadn't felt so bad I would have smiled at Jess's  
straight forwardness. She was never one to mince words.  
  
"The coroner said it was cancer. It was almost symbolic really. He died   
by my mother's grave. I suppose he couldn't wait any longer to be with   
her."  
  
"Oh Jonny, you know it had nothing to do with you, don't you?"  
  
"Believe me, I know that. If it had anything to do with me or my   
feelings he'd still be alive." I realize how bitter my voice must sound   
to her ears, but I can't prevent it.  
  
"Jonny he had cancer. It's not like he had a choice. I doubt he even   
knew that he had it."  
  
"Jessie, do you honestly think that a man with my father's intelligence   
wouldn't know if he had cancer. He'd been complaining about pain for   
some time but I dismissed it as the aches that come with old age. I   
should have known!" I pause and the pent up anger inside of me suddenly   
explodes out of nowhere. "Damn it! He should have told me!" I can't   
drive and have this conversation at the same time so I pull the car over   
the side of the road, right by the guard rail. Without another word I   
spring out of the car and take a seat on a boulder perched at the edge   
of a cliff. After a minute or so of staring at that crashing sea beneath   
me I see Jess sit down beside me out of the corner of my eye and I draw   
in a deep breath as her shoulder connects with mine. What is it about   
this girl that makes me feel like a teenager again? "I keep going over   
our last few month's together and all the signs were there, I just never  
paid attention to them. If he had told me I could have gotten him help."  
  
"Jonny, don't you think that if your dad thought that he could be helped  
he would have told you. It was probably too late to save himself when he  
found out." She laces her fingers through mine and tries to look me   
straight in the eyes but I turn my head away and look back down at the   
roaring ocean. "Jonny I know that I haven't been around enough recently   
to be a judge on Dr. Quest, but do you know why he never told you?"  
  
"I'd love to know why he never told me, but I don't think that you're   
the person to tell me that Jess. He's the only one that could know." I   
suddenly realize what a jackass I'm sounding like. "No offense or   
anything."  
  
"None taken. But let me at least try to give you this from his   
perspective. Let's say that he did tell you. And you would try to get   
him all the help money could buy but it would be pointless because there  
was nothing that could be done. How would you spend the last of your   
time with him?"  
  
"I'd make the most of our time together. I'd do all the things with him   
that I always wanted to do. I'd tell him all the things that I never got  
around to telling him. I'd basically treasure every moment we had   
together."  
  
"Jonny, no matter how many things you could have done or said to him   
before he died, you'd always think of a hundred more after he was gone.   
Do you value the time that you two had together any less now that he's   
dead?"  
  
"Of course not, but..."  
  
"No buts. If you knew that he would be gone soon, not only would you   
treasure the time you had together but you'd spend the majority of the   
time angry and resentful because you knew that there was a limit on that  
time you could share with your father. Not to mention that you would   
have treated him like he was made of glass and he would have hated that."  
I feel her fingers grasp my chin and gently turn my head towards her. I   
let her lead my gaze to hers. I can see tears brimming in their green   
depths. "Don't you see Jonny. He gave you months free of worry and anger  
so that looking back you could cherish the time you had with him instead  
of resent the lack of it. You shouldn't belittle the gift he gave to   
you. Your father didn't tell you out of love for you and I know that he   
wouldn't want you to spend the remainder of your life regretting his   
secret."  
  
I can feel tears spilling over my own eyes. Everything that had been   
building up inside of me for the past week, all the guilt, the rage, the  
anger, and the pain seem to disappear as if they never existed. "Thank   
you Jessie. My father gave me a present but I never would have realized   
it was there without you. I'm glad you came."   
  
"I'm glad I came too."  
  
And that's how it was between us. It was like ten years had never passed  
and we were still teenagers.   
  
  
When I should be laughing at this joke  
Dressed up as love disguised as hope  
And isn't it funny after all this time  
A tear is falling, when I should be laughing  
  
  
We must have been sitting there for half an hour , just absorbing each   
other's presence. I can't believe that I've missed out on just enjoying   
having him beside me for almost ten years. I realize that I made a huge   
mistake in leaving but I can't very well turn back time. I think that if   
there's one thing I'm going to take away from this visit that it's to   
live in the moment.  
  
I can't help but to glance down to where are hands are still joined. The  
gold from his wedding ring is gleaming dully in the sunlight. Now this   
could present a problem. I have definitely realized that nothing has   
changed about my feelings for Jonny, except that they have gotten even   
deeper. But as much as I'd love to be able to start a relationship,   
Jonny isn't a free man. I couldn't possibly tear apart his marriage for   
my own selfish reasons. Number one, I'm not that much of a bitch. Number  
two, I'm not even sure that Jonny still loves me or even truly did. And   
number three, who am I to break up a happy marriage. I feel Jonny's hand  
tighten in mine and I look over at him.  
  
"You ready to go?"   
  
"Yeah, let's get back to the compound." I mumble as I allow him to pull   
me up onto my feet. He drops my hand and starts to walk back towards the   
car but I can't bring myself to follow him quite yet. 'Please,' I beg   
silently to the heavens, 'Please help me get through this.' With that   
final thought I turn and jog to the car.  
  
When we pull up to the Quest Compound I see reason number four waiting   
outside for us.  
  
"Daddy!" The golden headed child cries as soon as Jonny steps out of the  
car. I am temporarily forgotten as Jonny scoops the small angel in his   
arms and twirls her around causing her to laugh.  
  
"Is that her Daddy?" She whispers a conspiratione tone.  
  
Jonny just smiles and whispers back into her small seashell ears. "Yep,   
that's the girl I told you about. Do you remember her name?"  
  
"Yep!" she replies almost gleefully as she wiggles to get down. Once her  
feet hit the ground she makes her way towards me and I crouch down so   
that I'm eye to eye with her. " 'ElloJessie!" she announces as soon as   
she reaches me and holds out a chubby hand for me to shake.  
  
Always willing to indulge a pint-sized charmer I grasp her small hand in   
mine and shake it delicately. "Hello yourself. What's your name?"  
  
"Reena." She grabs a strand of my hair. "I like your hair. It's the   
color of Rusty. Wanna meet him?"  
  
"Umm, sure." I reply wondering what exactly Rusty is.  
  
"Kay be right back!" she says as she scampers into the house leaving me   
alone with Jonny once again.  
  
"Reena, huh?" I ponder as I stand up.  
  
"It's short for Irene, she was named for her mother." Jonny says   
quietly.  
  
"You can't mean the same Irene that we knew as children!" I never   
imagined that a girl we met on one of our adventures could be the one   
that now held Jonny's heart. Jonny just nods his head in answer to my   
question.   
  
I should close my mouth now, it's probably impolite to gap at him for a   
full five minutes. Not to mention that it's an open invitation for bugs.   
It's the later thought which causes me to snap   
my mouth shut.   
  
I try for the casual approach, it's probably the best way to handle   
things. I can't let him see how devastated I am. It's one thing when his   
wife is some nameless face, it's completely different when it's someone   
you knew and liked when you were younger. "So..." Come on brain, don't   
fail me now! "So, does Irene still play the piano?" Oh, that was pure   
genius! I'd make a mental not to trust my brain again, but that would   
kinda defeat the purpose.  
  
Jonny seems a bit surprised at my question, but at least he's not   
finding his shoes extremely interesting anymore. "Yes, she's still at   
it. I'm surprised you don't know. She's gotten pretty famous and you   
were still into classical music the last time I talked to you."  
  
"I always did have good taste when it came to music." I muse with a soft  
smile, foolishly delighted that he would remember such a thing. "I still  
listen to it, but lately I've been veering more towards the blues. So i  
she here?"  
  
"No, she's not here and she probably never will be again." Jonny replies  
simply.  
  
"Excuse me?" What is Jonny talking about now? He'd make my life much   
easier if he'd just speak simple English instead of mystery novel crap.  
  
"This is Rusty!" Reena shouts from the doorway causing me to start and   
Jonny to smile. I never even heard the kid creep up behind me. She's   
proudly displaying a nubby red bear.   
  
"I like him, he's cute."  
  
"Daddy, can I show Jessie where her room is?"  
  
"Go ahead, sweetie. I'll be up with Jessie's luggage in a few minutes."  
  
"I can carry my own bags, Jonny. I carried them all the way from San   
Francisco without your assistance, I think I can manage to carry them   
the rest of the way." I don't know why I'm being difficult. I'm probably  
just trying to make Jonny as irked and confused as I am. I proceed to   
attempt to take the biggest suitcase from his grip. The only thing this   
accomplishes is to start a game of tug of war with Jonny, much to my   
annoyance, his amusement and Reena's delight. Well, I don't think the   
kid really delighted with the whole game until I let go of the suitcase   
and sent her father sprawling backwards with my suitcase on his stomach.  
Then the kid was ecstatic.  
  
"You beat up Daddy!" She proclaims with a combination of awe and   
excitement.  
  
"Umm, I guess I did." Now I have no idea why any child should be so   
happy that her father is laying on the ground fighting to catch his   
breath, but who am I to extinguish such joy. "Actually this isn't the   
first time I beat your father up."  
  
"Really!!!??" The kid's eyes are as big as saucers and I have a feeling   
I have just made a friend for life. I usher her inside so that she can   
show me where I'll be staying.  
  
"Nope! There was this one time when he stole one of my candy bars and I   
pushed him down the stairs." I pause at the open doorway and turn   
towardsJonny, who is just now showing signs of life. "You know what   
Jonny?" He just grunts in response as he shoves my suitcase off himself.   
"You can carry my suitcases after all." He glares at me and I can't help  
but laugh.Time can change most things, but moments like these are   
timeless. If I close my eyes I can see that same look coming from the   
eyes of a 15 year old boy. Funny how he looks remarkably similar to the   
man in front of me.   
  
  
Sunsets like a painting  
Windows like a frame  
The night comes in, and I begin   
To see it all again.  
  
  
I watch Jessie walk away with my daughter's hand tucked in hers. And my   
heart aches at the picture they make. But the thing with pictures is   
that they can portray something that isn't real. It's beautiful, the   
picture I have in my mind, of Jessie and Reena sharing moments like   
this, as though they've known each other for life and they always will.   
But Jessie will leave again and hopefully she won't take Reena's heart   
with her. God knows that she'll be taking mine again.   
  
I shake my head and attempt to stand up. Attempt is the keyword. I think  
I'll just lay here for a few more minutes. But it's only because I want   
to, that fact that every time I move it becomes impossible to breathe is  
irrelevant. Jesus, what'd Jess put in that damn suitcase, a piano?!   
  
Bad choice of analogy. Pianos always make me think about Irene. I think   
back to the conversation Jessie and I were having before Reena   
interrupted and I look down at the wedding ring I still wear even though   
the marriage is dead and has been for two years. To me it's the   
equivalent of tying a string around one's finger as a reminder. The ring   
that traditionally represents eternal love serves only as a reminder   
that I cannot ever be in a relationship again because it won't be fair   
to the other person. It wasn't fair to Irene and it won't be to anyone   
else. Except to the woman who is inside my house telling my daughter   
stories of our glory days together. I tried to make it work with Irene,   
we both did. But I couldn't love her completely because Jessie still had   
my heart. She took it with her when she got on the plane and left the   
rest of me behind.   
  
It's funny how easy it to function without a heart. I wish she'd taken   
my mind instead, then I wouldn't be constantly be plagued by memories of  
her. I think Irene knew from the beginning that I couldn't love her the   
way she deserved to be loved, but we both deluded ourselves into   
thinking that we could make it work. I still remember the day that she   
told me that she was leaving me with crystal clarity.   
  
  
The room was dark, which struck me as odd the minute I walked into the   
door. I had just put Reena to bed and she was sleeping soundly.  
  
"Jon we need to talk." My gaze flew to where the voice had come from and  
I saw Irene's form sitting on the couch staring at the fire.  
  
"Sure thing honey." I sat down on the couch across from her. Her ramrod   
straight posture warned me whatever was on her mind was of the utmost   
importance. "If it's another concert then it's okay. I think I can mange  
to look after Reena all by myself until you get back."  
  
"What if I don't come back?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"If I were to never come back would you be able to take care of Reena on  
your own?"  
  
"Irene don't talk like that!"  
  
"Jon please, I need to know this for my own peace of mind." Her voice   
had a desperate quality to it that caused me to stop my protests and   
offer her an answer.  
  
"Of course I could, though I can't say it would be easy. Now what   
caused you to start getting these thoughts?"  
  
She stood up and walked towards the fireplace. "Jon I'm leaving   
you." I started to protest again but she held up her hand cutting me off   
as efficiently as if she had clamped my mouth shut physically. "Please   
don't Jon. Don't you think that this is hard enough without you   
interrupting me? I need to get this out now or I never will." She turned   
back to me and continued. "Jon I know that you care for me a great deal   
but caring isn't enough anymore. I wanted this marriage to work so bad   
but it's not anymore. I can't endure the pain of loving someone and   
knowing that they will never feel the same way. I know that you care for   
me as much as you can, but it's not enough anymore. I can't live in her   
shadow." Her being Jessie. Irene never could bring herself to say her   
name. "I love you and Reena with all of my heart but I can't be here   
now. I'm leaving and I'll probably never return, not for you, not even   
for Reena. Maybe it's selfish of me, but it's what I have to do. I've   
been offered a chance to tour in Europe and I'm going to take it. And   
after that...well after that I don't know where I'll go, but it won't be  
here."  
  
"Irene, you can't do this to us." I'm not sure if I meant me and her or   
me and Reena. I could hear tears in my voice but none were streaking   
down my face yet. Irene's face was a mask of sorrow and pain as she   
knelt in front of me and took both of my hands in hers.  
  
"But I can Jon, and I am. It's the only thing left to do. You're a good   
father and I know that Reena will grow up with the love that she   
deserves. If there's one thing I have always and will always know, it's   
that you will be able to love her with all your heart as you were never   
able to love her mother." Each word was a dagger in my soul. Our joined   
hands were wet from her tears, as well as mine.  
  
"I never wanted to bring you pain. I'd give you the world if I could."  
  
"Your heart was the only thing I wanted." She whispered.  
  
At that moment I wish that I could have lied to her and said that she   
already had it. But I couldn't bring myself to deceive her any more than  
we had both already deceived ourselves. "There's nothing in this world   
that I wanted to give you more. I'm sorry that I couldn't." She granted   
me a wistful smile before kissing me one last time and I knew that she   
was going to walk out the door for good in less than a minute. "Don't   
you want to say good-bye to Reena before you leave?"  
  
"I want to but I can't or I'll never leave. Tell her that I love   
her everyday and don't let her forget about me. She's only two and she   
won't remember when she gets older, so you have to tell her about me. I   
trust you to do a good job. She'll probably hate me for this when she   
gets older, but it part of the price I'll have to pay." She stopped   
rambling and picked up a two suitcases that I hadn't noticed earlier   
when I entered the room. She paused at the door to turn back one last   
time. "Take care of yourself Jon." And with that final wish she walked   
out of my life and on with hers.  
  
  
With a sigh I struggle to my feet relieved that I can breath again   
without pain. I was beginning to feel like a fish out of water for   
awhile there. I wonder where Irene is right now and what she's doing. I   
find myself asking these questions often. Every time I do, the only   
answer I come up with is the same. Whatever she's doing she's happy and   
loved. At least that's what I tell myself. "Take care of yourself." I   
whisper as I lift the last of four suitcases from my car.  
  
I struggle up the stairs, teetering backwards a few times but never   
falling. When I get to Jess's room I find that neither her or my   
daughter are in sight. "Figures. Probably left to have more girl talk."   
I mutter than shudder at the thought of Jess giving Reena boy advice   
and remind myself that Reena's only four, much too young to have any   
interest in boys...other than beating them up. And when the time comes   
for her to start liking them, I'll simply lock her in her room. I grin   
to myself as I walk downstairs to find Reena's sitter waiting for me.   
"Thanks a lot Tracy. I know it was short notice."  
  
"It's no problem at all Mr. Quest. Reena's a pleasure to 'sit and I   
didn't have anything planned anyway."  
  
"Well, thanks nevertheless. How much do I owe you?" After I paid her and  
said good-bye I begin to search the house for my missing daughter and   
best friend. I find them in Reena's room. Jessie is reading to my   
daughter. The same daughter who refuses to listen to the word bedtime   
before 7:30. The same daughter who is already tucked in bed with her   
pj's on and her teeth brushed. The same little girl who is fighting a   
loosing battle to stay awake. Her struggle is over in five minutes and   
she sleeps peacefully with a smile still playing across her face. My   
little angel.   
  
Jessie obviously doesn't know that I've been leaning in the doorway for   
the past ten minutes and she proceeds to tuck the blanket to Reena's   
chin and kiss her cheek. "Goodnight little one. May flights of angels   
bring you to your dreams." I recognize that phrase immediately and my   
throat constricts. Jessie once told me that her mother always said that   
before Jess went to bed.   
  
She stands up and freezes when she sees me. When I don't offer to tell   
her how long I've been here, and instead beam at her, she tucks her hair   
self-consciously behind her ears and studies her feet. "So, um, how long  
have you been listening."  
  
How cute! Jessie very rarely getd embarrassed about anything. I guess   
she doesn't want anyone to know that Jessica Bannon turned to mush at   
the command of a five year old child. "Long, enough." She continue to   
studythe carpet. "You know Jess, I can't get Reena to bed this early   
without a fight. She must really like you."  
  
She peeks up at me from her half raised face and offers me a small   
smile. "Yeah, well the feelings mutual. You've got quite a kid there   
Quest. She's a heart breaker, just like her dad." She says as she heads   
for the door.   
  
I turn around and start out the door, but I pause when her words and the  
possible meaning behind them hit home. I abruptly turn back around and   
nearly colid with Jessie. She stumbles forward and I instinctively open   
my arms steady her. She braces her hands on my chest and my arms   
automatically close around her. As she looks up at me I'm instantly   
lost in the depths of her green eyes. Never have I been so aware of her   
presence. Our faces are inches apart and the fact that all I have to do   
to close the distance is lean down taunts me. Ten years ago I would have   
easily closed the stretch and kissed her. But much has changed in ten   
years and the distance has grown considerably. She no longer belongs to   
me as she did to the 15 year old who belonged to her as well. "So, um,   
what were we just talking about." I whisper as I lean down a bit more,   
drawn against my will. Our noses are almost touching.  
  
"I'm not sure I remember." she mummers and I feel her hot breath against  
my lips. She tilts her face up and closes the distance between us and   
kisses me with a sweetness that I have not felt in 10 years. I can feel   
a weight deep inside of me being lifted and I know that this is the only   
thing in my life I will ever need. The woman I love secure in my embrace  
and my child sleeping safely in a bed a few feet away.   
  
Oh my God, Reena! This is not something I want my four year old daughter  
waking up to. I break away and look at Jessie. Her lips are a bit   
swollen and her eyes are still closed. It's a good thing that I have   
willpower when it comes to Reena because right now Jessie's looking like  
water and I haven't had a drink in a long time. "Um, Jess..."  
  
  
When I should be laughing at this joke  
The damage done, the words I spoke  
Isn't it funny after all this time  
Regret can find me when I should be laughing  
  
  
"Yes?" I mummer, still refusing to open my eyes and ruin the pleasant   
golden glow that had settled over my eyelids.  
  
"Umm, Jess. We can't do this here."   
  
I slowing open one eye and look him up and down. Obviously he's just as   
into this as I am, so what's his problem. "And just what's the problem,   
Quest?"  
  
"Well, we're kinda inside Reena's room." he whispers.  
  
"What does Reena's room have to do with...? Oh! We're in Reena's room!"   
Now both my eyes are wide open and I glance around my surroundings   
quickly. Opps, talk about inappropriate. I break away from Jonny and   
step out into the hall, thankful that the air is cool as it whispers   
against my flushed face. Talk about getting carried away with the moment  
I think to myself as I head down the stairs.  
  
"Not so fast, Jess." Jonny whispers fiercely as he grabs my arm forcing   
me to turn around. "This isn't over yet, I won't let you walk out again."  
  
Who said I was leaving? "I hate to be the one to point it out, Jonny,   
but there's nothing you can do to stop me if I want to leave!" I reply,   
just as heatedly. His eyes get this wounded puppy dog look in them and I  
can't help but want to take it back. God knows he has good cause to   
think I'll leave him again. All pity quickly disappears along with   
everything else in my mind when his mouth comes crashing down on mine.   
It's nothing like the kiss we shared moments earlier. This kiss is   
filled with passion and, yes, a bit of anger. I kiss him back with just   
as much ardor and I feel it down to my very core. I let him sweep me off  
my feet and onto his bed. And instead of listening to all the protests   
about howwrong this is and how cruel it is to him that are running   
through my mind, I listen to my heart which tells me nothing could be   
more right than this.   
  
  
The early morning sky spreads light throughout the room and my eyes   
squeeze shut in response. Sighing I grip the sheets in an attempt to   
pull them over my eyes to form a thin shield against the rising sun.   
  
The damn things won't budge. My eyes shoot open and struggle to adjust   
to in the dim light as I feel hot breath against my ear. I turn my head   
slowly as last nights events come rushing back in a tide of remorse. I   
shouldn't have let this happen. I shut my eyes in weak objection as   
Jonny's sleeping form comes into view.   
  
Sweet Jesus, what have we done? He's married for Christ's sake! And even  
if he loves me as much as I do him, this isn't going to work. It can   
never be anything more than a fling and as that realization dawns it's   
all I can do not to break down crying.   
  
I ease out of the warm bed, careful not to wake him and pad silently   
down the hall and to my room. I pull on clothes, refusing to think about   
it, making myself numb. I will not break down, I will not cry, I will   
not give into the urge to throw myself onto my bed and sob my heart out.   
I will not, at least until I am out of his house and alone. I run my   
fingers through my hair as a makeshift brush before pulling it back into   
a sloppy ponytail. Clad in torn jeans, a enormous gray sweater, and   
battered sneakers, I creep downstairs and out the door.   
  
Without even realizing I was heading there, I find myself at the cliff's  
edge, staring down at the sea once again. The last time I stood here,   
looking down at these waters the thought of jumping entered my mind. I'd  
be lying if I said it wasn't now, but unlike the last time I don't take   
it into consideration. I've taken the coward's way out my whole life and  
I don't think I ever let myself see it until now. My whole life has been  
me running away whenever things were bad. When my dad died I nearly   
jumped off a cliff. When I realized that I loved Jonny I left to live   
with my mom. Even this morning when I realized that no matter how much I  
love Jonny we can't make this work, I left his bed instead of waiting to  
talk about it once he woke up.   
  
I squeeze my eyes shut as if in pain as I sit down on the hard ground   
and draw my knees close. Why does this have to be so hard. If life were   
anything like the stories I wouldn't have to fight this urge to go   
inside and call the airport to get a ticket for the next flight back to  
L.A. I wouldn't be sitting here on the brink of tears because I can   
never be with the man I love. I would still be in Jonny's bed only it   
would be our bed. And Reena's mother wouldn't be oceans away, playing   
music box tunes for the general public because I would be her mother.   
  
Tears slip down my face at the thought of such a hopeless fantasy. I'll   
never have a child of my own, and I'll never again belong with Jonny.   
Dammit, this is as much his fault as it is mine. What the hell was he   
thinking, he's supposed to be happily married.   
  
"He wasn't thinking, just like you weren't."   
  
"Yeah, but that doesn't make anything less complicated." I reply before   
I realize that I'm no longer alone. I stand and slowly turn, ignoring   
the nagging rational thought that plagues my mind, willing myself to   
believe in miracles just this once. "Daddy?"  
  
As if my desperation alone conjured him beside me he is there. "Hey   
Ponchita. I missed you baby."  
  
"Daddy!" I throw myself into his open arms, steeling myself against   
falling right through him. But he is solid and he is there. "Daddy, what  
are you doing here?" I whisper against his chest, not really caring but   
needing to say something just to take comfort in the sound of his voice.  
"You're supposed to be...gone" I can't bring myself to say dead. It   
seems too final a word when I am standing in his arms.  
  
"I know, but you needed me and so I came. I've always been there for you  
honey, but you never let yourself see me. Ponchita, it looks like you've  
gotten yourself into another mess."  
  
  
"I know Daddy, believe me I know. I just wish everything could be easy.   
But everything's so complicated, and I'm so confused about everything. I  
just want everything to go away or be simple!"  
  
"Why should it be complicated? You don't even know how he's feeling. For   
all you know things could simple. You could be blowing everything out of   
proportion." He reasons as he strokes my hair.  
  
"But I'm not!" I will myself to stop protesting and instead try to make   
him understand. "All right Daddy, for the sake of argument let's pretend  
that he isn't married and that he loves me as much as I love him. I'll   
still have to leave him again. I have a life in LA. A life that I   
struggled to build for myself, by myself."   
  
"Honey, you don't have to do anything. Like you said, it's your life and  
I hate to be the one to ruin your disillusions but if you think about   
it, it's not that great of a life at that. What's really waiting back   
the for you? A job? Not likely, you're an underpaid assistant to an   
overbearing jerk of a scientist, you could easily do better than that.   
Friends? When was the last time you went out with your friends?"  
  
"I talked to Cindy on the phone right before I left!"  
  
"You know that doesn't count, Ponchita. She doesn't live in LA. anymore   
and you haven't seen her since she got married last June! You haven't   
seen or talked to anyone else outside of work in at least a month!"  
  
I bristle and break out of his embrace. "Okay, so my life back home   
isn't that great, but it's mine! I just don't want to be dependent on   
Jonny for everything. I can't be, I've been on my own for too long and I  
like it that way."  
  
Daddy smiles sadly. "You always were independent even as a child." He   
pauses for a minute and tilts his head slightly to the right as if   
someone is whispering to him. "I'm sorry baby, but I've got to go.   
Benton still needs some help readjusting." My eyes widen and he just   
grins. "You think I'd abandon my best friend? He just needs a little   
help getting used to it all. You know Benton, he doesn't take things at   
face value, he always wants proof. Would you believe the man demanded   
that Saint Peter show him proper identification?" I stifle a giggle,   
very able to imagine such a thing. "Jess, I'm really proud of most of   
the things you've done with your life. But I don't want to see you make   
the same mistake I did. Love is a give, give situation. I wish I'd   
realized it with your mother, but I made the same mistake you are. I   
wasn't willing to give up my independence." He pauses and listens again   
and winces. "Geez, sorry! You'd think I'd get a bit more time with my   
daughter for the first time in a decade." he mutters to himself, adding   
an almost unintelligible "you old geezer" at the end. No sooner were the   
words out of his mouth then a clap of thunder sounded from the clear   
blue sky. He grins boyishly as he shouts up to the sky. "Okay, okay I can  
take a hint. I'll be there in a minute to take care of it. Just let me   
finish up here"   
  
"Benton?"   
  
"Yeah, who'd have thought he'd cause so much trouble dead. He was always  
so easy to deal with down here." He reaches over and grabs my hand.   
"Remember what I said here. I know you'll probably try to rationalize   
all of this, but don't ever let yourself believe it was a dream. I love   
you baby. Remember that I'm always here if you need me." I can feel his   
touch growing lighter and lighter as he fades away. "Well, whenever I'm   
not keeping Benton out of trouble that is."  
  
"I love you Daddy."  
  
"I know Ponchita." and with one last smile he faded completely.  
  
I shake my head to clear my muddled thoughts, dimly noting that my   
cheeks are wet from tears. My eyes remained glued to the spot where my   
father was standing seconds ago. The instinct to run away has faded now.   
Dad was right, I have to stay this time. I have to be able to talk to   
Jonny openly about everything. I have to have some kind of closure   
before I go back because if I just leave it'll eat what's left of me   
away. I've spent the majority of the past ten years as a living shell of  
my former self and I can't do it anymore.  
  
"Jessie?" I stiffen at the sound of Hadji's voice, less willing to   
believe he is here, than I was to believe in my father's presence. Hadji   
can't be here. He's in Banglore trying to control the uprising there. I   
spin around but sure enough, he's standing there with a goofy grin   
plastered on his face. I open my arms and hug him harder than I've ever   
dared to before. "It's really you! I thought there was some kind of   
rebellion in Banglore that you had to take care of."  
  
"There was a small group of rebels causing trouble, but the problem has   
been resolved. I immediately rushed here for Dr. Quest's funeral." He   
pauses and if it's in respect or grief I cannot tell. "How is Jonny   
dealing with his loss?"  
  
"He seems to be doing fine. I think Reena's one of the only things   
keeping him together right now."   
  
Hadji smiles faintly at the mention of his niece. "And how are you   
doing, my friend?"  
  
"I'm doing okay, all things considered." I muster up a bright smile to   
distract Hadji's gaze from my eyes. I hate lying to Hadji, but I can't   
pour my heart out to him after seeing him for five minutes.   
  
"Please do not lie to me, Jessie." Hadji pleads, the hurt evident in his  
eyes. "It is obvious that you have been crying. Besides, I can always   
tell when one of my best friends is upset."  
  
I sigh, knowing that it was pointless for me to lie to him in the first   
place. I would have ended up telling him everything anyway. Tears   
threaten to falls again and I furiously blink them back. I let Hadji   
lead me down a path in the woods and I spill the whole story out to him.   
To his credit he doesn't so much as blink when I tell him about me and   
Jonny sleeping together or seeing and talking to Dad again. It was as if  
he expected both and accepted them as the natural course of things. I   
shouldn't be so surprised. To accept things, no matter how strange they   
may seem, has always been Hadji's way.  
  
Hadji's wise eyes don't judge me and when I'm finished and I look to him  
pleadingly, begging him to comfort me in some way, anyway.  
  
He takes my hand in his before speaking. "Jonny has not had an easy life  
either, my friend. Almost everyone who mattered to him has left him at   
some point. His mother, Race, you, me, his father, and even his wife."  
  
"You mean to tell me that Irene left Jonny?"   
  
"Yes. You see Jessie, she knew that Jonny would never be able to love   
her because his heart was already taken. By you."  
  
I stare blankly at him as I let everything register. Jonny loves me. I   
love Jonny. He's not married. Nothing's standing in our way.   
  
Except myself. I can't do this to Jonny again. Everyone that he has   
loved has left him. All he has left is Reena and one day she'll leave   
him. I can't give him anymore hope than I already have, because I'm just  
going to take it with me when I go back home.  
  
I'm not sure how I should reply so I ask one of the questions that's   
lurking in the back of my mind. "But why does he still wear his wedding   
ring if he doesn't love her?"   
  
"I'm not completely sure what his reason is for continuing to wear it.   
Knowing Jonny, he sees it as a symbol of a failed attempt to carry on   
without you." Hadji studies my face for a minute and I struggle to keep   
my expression perfectly blank under his unnerving gaze. "I do not tell   
you all of this to make you feel guilty, my friend. I simply tell you   
because you need to know in order to make you next decision."  
  
Damn him for seeing past all my barriers just as he always has. "What do  
you mean my next decision?"  
  
I don't even realize that we're back at the cliffs until Hadji sits down  
on the ground, motioning for me to do the same, so I oblige him. "My   
friend, if you do not realize what decision is in the wind, then I   
cannot tell you." He looks expectantly at me. I make a face and shrug my   
shoulders. He sighs with slight annoyance and continues. "Jessie my   
friend, you make things more complicated than need be. The only real   
decision left for you to make is whether or not your love is worth   
hanging on to."   
  
That's it!? What about my fear of commitment, both of our emotional   
baggage, not to mention that I can't stay here anymore than I can expect   
him to pack up and move in with me. "Hadji, it's not as simple as that.   
It's complicated." Why do I feel as though I'm repeating myself?  
  
He shakes his head, as if in disgust. "But it is only complicated if you  
make it so." How does Hadji seem to know exactly what to say? Exactly   
what Dad told me only moments ago? Am I really blowing this whole thing   
out of proportion? "If you deal with the big problem the little ones   
usually fall into place." He places a chaste kiss on my head and stands   
up. "I am going to go inside and get some sleep. I left as soon as   
everything at home was settled."  
  
I grab his hand as he turns around. "Thanks Hadji. I'm glad you're home   
now. It's almost like we're a family again." We both smile sadly at each  
other, knowing that the only thing preventing it from being perfect is   
the loss of my father and now Dr. Quest. I drop his hand and look back   
out at the sea, taking comfort in the sound of his footsteps and the   
knowledge that Dad is near.  
  
  
I should be laughing at life and all of the that tricks it plays  
I should be laughing at time and how fast it's slipping away  
  
  
The alarm blares in my ear, jarring me awake. I leisurely hit the off   
button and start to ease back into sleep when I remember Jessie.   
"Morning Jess." I mumble, refusing to lift me head yet, but my hand   
trails beside me in search of warm skin. It finds nothing but cool   
sheets. I push myself up and look at her side of the bed. I shouldn't be  
surprised when my eyes find nothing there just as my hand did, but I am   
nonetheless. "Dammit!" I mutter halfheartedly as I rub the remaining   
traces of sleep from my eyes.   
  
I must of frightened her off. I tug on a pair of faded jeans. I pushed   
her too hard, too fast. I pull a blue T-shirt. Jesus Quest, you didn't   
even tell her how much you cared! I cram my feet into old sneakers. No   
wonder the girl ran. I tug on my worn leather jacket.  
  
After peeking into Reena's room to find her still sleeping peacefully   
and into Jess's room to find it empty, I rush downstairs and tear open   
the front door only to find Hadji there. From the looks of it, he was   
just about to open the door himself. He recovers quickly though. "It is   
good to see you my friend."  
  
"Hadji? I can't believe you made it!"  
  
"I took care of business back home as quickly as possible so that I   
could be here."   
  
Looking for Jessie is pushed aside as a dozen questions enter my head,   
but Hadji won't let her be forgotten so easily. "I already spoke to   
Jessie." I guess that's his polite way of telling me that he knows we   
slept together. "She is down at the cliffs, Jonny. I would be lying if I  
said that everything is fine but you know as well as I do that it is not.   
  
"Thanks Hadji." I mummer as I start to rush by him but his hand sneaks   
out and grabs my arm.  
  
"Be careful with her Jonny. She's very fragile right now, though we both  
know that she'd never admit it. One wrong push is all it would take for   
her to bolt."  
  
I nod numbly and he releases my arm. One wrong push. Ha! I've already   
shoved the poor girl more times than I can count. Without another word I  
spin away from Hadji, leaving him to shake his head at my retreating   
form as I once again hurry towards the cliffs. I don't have to go far   
before I see her standing looking down at the water below , not unlike I   
found her ten years ago. I approach casually, unsure of myself and my   
actions. I'm prepared to experience deja vous as I round to see her   
face. But I know the minute I see her face that this time is different   
and I breathe a sigh of relief. Her eyes aren't the despondent orbs they   
were last time. Her eyes are filled with pain and unshed of tears true,   
but at least there's something there aside from hopelessness. "I woke up  
and you weren't there." She says nothing, so I continue to fill the   
space where her answer should have been. "I was worried that-"  
  
She cuts me off. "That I might've left?" Now it's my turn not to reply,   
but my silence is damning. "Well you should have worried. God knows that  
I did it in the past and it hurt you." She doesn't even tear her gaze   
from the sea to see me nod in agreement as she continues. "But not this   
time. I'm tired of running away every time life kicks me in the ass. I'm  
not gonna scamper away with my tail tucked between my legs anymore, I'm   
gonna kick right back." I smile, as pride washes over me. At last she   
realizes what I've been telling her all along. That she's a strong   
person.   
  
"So where does that leave us?" I ask, wanting to hear her answer, but at  
the same time wishing I could avoid it for just a bit longer.  
  
She sighs and looks at me at last. "I honestly don't know."  
  
"Jessie, I don't want to loose you again."  
  
"I know you don't and I don't want to have to let go. But I've worked so  
hard to build a life for myself. I don't like having to depend on other   
people. I don't want to loose myself in you."  
  
"Since when have you ever lost your identity in someone? For as long as   
I can remember you have always been Jessie and no one else. I've never   
seen you be lost in someone else's shadow because you've always seemed   
to manage to shine brighter than anyone else near you. And I've never   
seen anyone control you, you've always made your own decisions, even   
when you were twelve and too foolhardy to make good ones." She snorts,   
her way of reminding me of my knack for finding trouble as a kid. I just  
smile and continue. "And I'm not asking you to depend on me for every   
little thing, I'd never ask that of you. Neither one of us would be able  
to stand it. But what's wrong with leaning on me every now and then? I   
promise I'll lean on you just as much, if not more!"  
  
She studied me for a minute before replying. "Jonny why do you wear your  
wedding band if you're not married to Irene anymore?"  
  
Needless to say, that's the last question I was expecting and my gaze is  
drawn to the flash of gold on my left hand. "It's sort of a personal   
reminder." I mutter, praying hopelessly that she'll leave it at that.  
  
"What's it a reminder of? Your eternal love for Irene? A symbol of a   
failed marriage? A warning to all interested women? Or does it have   
something to do with me?"  
  
I squeeze my eyes shut, as if by not seeing her, she'll disappear. I   
pinch the bridge of my nose as I open my eyes again. "Don't Jessie." I   
mummer quietly.  
  
"Yes, I will! If you want to start a relationship with me, than start it  
without any lies. Tell me Jonny, why-"  
  
"I said don't! I can't!" I exclaim frantically, as I remove my hand from  
the bridge of my nose in order to twist the wedding band on my ring   
finger.  
  
"Then I can't either. I can't be here with you. I can't fall in love   
with you again because I'll get hurt again."  
  
"Stop it Jessie! You want to know what hurt is? Hurt is standing at a   
cliffs edge with your best friend, praying that you'll be a good enough   
reason for her not to jump. Hurt is finding your soul mate at the age of   
15 and doubting that because you're too young to fall in love according   
to the world. But I did, and what I felt wasn't some stupid case of   
puppy love, Jess. Hurt is watching you walk out of my life. And I can do   
that again. I did it the first time and I'm still living. That's   
the funny thing about a broken heart. It still beats."  
  
"You see, it can never work! I want it to, God knows I do with all of my  
heart, but it can't. We both remember too much about what went wrong the  
last time. I only have to look at you to see how much I hurt you, and I   
know that I'll only do it again. Do you think I liked leaving you,   
Jonny? Do you think I wanted to? I had to, in order to remain sane! I   
would have gone crazy, I know it! Jonny, I wish that I could love you   
but it hurts too much. I fell once and I managed to climb back to my   
feet, but I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. Love hurts   
people, without meaning to it does!"  
  
"If there's one thing I've managed to learn it's that love never hurt   
anyone Jess. It was lack of trust, or need to grow, or a million other   
little things that get in the way. Those are what hurt but love never   
hurt a soul." She was looking back out at the sea again in deep thought.  
"If you fall, I promise to catch you." I whisper quietly. She looked up   
suddenly at those words, our gaze meeting, blue against green.  
  
"Why does this decision have to be so hard?" she mutters, as if in great  
agony.  
  
"It doesn't. You're making it into some large problem, when the answer   
is either that this means enough to you to give it a shot, or it   
doesn't. It's as simple as that." Our gazes are still connected.  
  
Neither of us talk for a moment and I can see her internal conflict   
behind her eyes. Finally she bows her head, breaking eye contact, and   
speaks. "But I hurt you so much last time."  
  
That's all she says, nothing more. "Yeah, you did. You hurt both of us   
and there's a chance you could do it again. I could have chosen to   
ignore everything I've ever felt in order to stay safe, but I didn't.   
All I know is that living without you was the hardest thing I ever had   
to do, but I did it. And I can do it again if I have to. But if I let   
you walk out of my life without telling you how I feel, it would be   
worse than never even knowing you at all."  
  
"Jonny, I want so very much to give us a chance...but I can't promise   
that I won't hurt you again."  
  
"Jessie, do you remember what you told me about my father? You said that  
it was better that he didn't tell me that he was dying because I spent   
the remainder of my time with him without anger and frustration. That it  
was his gift to me. Do you remember that?" She nodded without looking   
up. "Well, I want you to give me that gift. And maybe one day I'll wake   
up and you'll be gone. Or maybe one day, you'll look me in the eyes and   
tell me that you're staying forever. And whichever one you do, I'll let   
you. All I ask is a chance, a chance to live without regrets and   
frustration, even if it's only for a short while."   
  
As she lifted her face to me, I could see the a single tear track   
trailing down her right cheek. But the tear itself was long gone,   
absorbed into the earth sometime during my speech.  
  
"Jonny, it wouldn't be real. We'd be living in a dream and stalling the   
inevitable. Our past will always be there, looming behind us, waiting to  
spring out like some jack- in-the-box from Hell. You'd live in constant   
fear that I'd leave you, and I'd live in constant fear of hurting you.   
We can't change what happened anymore then we can change who we are. The  
girl in me will always love you, but she grew up."  
  
My stomach feels kinda queasy, like it used to after I got off a roller   
coaster. "So you're saying that it won't work."  
  
"Yeah, I guess I am." And as if to signal the conversation has   
ended, she turns back to the sea she's come to love so much. And I   
stand there for at least a minute longer, taking in her still form,   
wishing to all that was sacred that she'll turn around and say that she   
doesn't mean it.   
  
But she doesn't. And before I turn around, I can swear that her shoulders   
are shaking with tears, but when I look back she is perfectly still and I   
know that it has just been my mind playing one more cruel trick on me.   
  
  
Somewhere in a scrapbook  
There's a rose you gave to me  
With one last look, I close the book  
And let the past just be  
  
  
  
"Fear no more the heat o' the' sun  
Nor the furious winter's rages;  
Thou thy worldly task hast done,  
Home art gone and ta'en thy wages;  
Golden lads and girls all must,  
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.  
Fear no more the frown o' th' great  
Thou art past the tyrant's stroke;  
Care no more to clothe and eat,  
To thee the reed is as the oak:  
The scepter, learning physic, must  
All follow this and come to dust.  
  
Fear no more the lightening flash,  
Nor the all-dreaded thunder stone;  
Fear not slander, censure rash;  
Thou has finished joy and moan:  
All lovers old, all lover must  
Consign to thee and come to dust."  
  
  
My voice blends with at least a hundred others at Dr. Quest's burial   
site. Jonny had picked the piece from his father's favorite play. People  
from all over the world have appeared to pay their final respects to a   
man who had touched their lives greatly. I don't bother to hold back   
tears as they come. I simply let them flow freely down my face,   
occasionally swiping them with a damp handkerchief when the feeling of   
damp skin is too much. For the first time since I've arrived, I'm not   
crying for myself or for Jonny. I cry for the man who has died and left   
a legacy behind for us to continue. Every single person here will carry  
his memory on and none of us will allow him to be forgotten.  
  
Jonny and I stand with Reena between us at her insistence. I have been   
sneaking glances at him every now and then to see how he was dealing   
witheverything and not once does he return my glance. He isn't crying   
but he might as well be. His presence radiates an aura of despair. I   
want so badly to reach over and comfort him, but I know that I'd have to  
reach much further than the few feet that separate us. I cannot comfort   
him because it's no longer my place.  
  
The ceremony for the most part, is short and simple. It is what Dr.   
Quest would have wanted. Although the world he had created for himself   
was full of expensive things, there was never really any flash to his   
lifestyle, just an elegant sort of gleam. It was fitting that his send   
off should be the same. He is laid to rest only a few feet from where he  
had met his end, beside his beloved Rachel.  
  
Jonny places Reena's hand in mine and looks me in the eye for the first   
time this morning, his eyes silently begging me to give him a final   
moment alone with his father before they lower him to the ground. I lead  
the small child away from her father, looking back long enough to catch   
a glimpse of Jonny's lone figure standing before the pine coffin, head   
bowed in respect.   
  
Hadji is waiting by the car and as I approach I see that his usually   
serene expression had been replaced by one of grief. I allow Reena to   
release my hand to run to her uncle. It's funny how children can sense   
other's moods. I'm not naive enough to think that Reena doesn't know   
what's going on. I'm sure Jonny told her that her granddaddy was   
sleeping and wouldn't wake up or that he'd gone away and wouldn't come   
back. That he was dancing in Heaven with his wife or something equally   
trite and silly, as are all explanations of death to small children.   
  
I do not even hear Jonny come up behind me. I open my mouth to speak as   
I feel him brush by, but I close it as quickly when he continues past,   
silent as a ghost. Hadji places Reena in his arms and the small girl   
reaches up to brush a tear from her father's cheek. The wall that Jonny   
had managed to build around himself for the funeral crumbles at that   
simple gesture and burying his head in his daughter's shoulder, sobs.   
Hadji and I are quick to close the circle, leaning our support and   
strength to him in a simple group hug.   
  
Both pillars of strength that have guided our lives are gone, the first   
being buried long ago, the last gone for only a few days.   
  
I can feel my father's presence encircling us and as I step back from   
the makeshift hug Hadji's eyes met mine and I know that he has   
experienced the same feeling of warmth. We smile weakly at one another   
as we climb into the car.  
  
When we get home Jonny goes straight to Reena's room to put his   
exhausted daughter down for a nap. Hadji follows, anxious to offer any   
help and comfort he can. I however avoid the house and head for the   
cliffs once again.   
  
No sooner than I arrived I felt Dad's presence. "Hi Daddy."  
  
"You sure are making up for lost time Ponchita. This is the second time   
in one day."  
  
"I know. So how'd things work out with Benton."  
  
Dad seems to wince at the mention of his name. " Things are okay now all  
things considered. It's a good thing I got there when I did. Benton was   
going through the records department like a madman. If I'd been a second  
too late ten thousand people probably would have been reincarnated as   
slugs." I make a face and Dad laughs. "My thoughts exactly. Anyway, I   
got him out of there and left him with Rachel. If anyone can keep him   
out of trouble it's her." He looks expectantly at me. "But enough chit   
chat. What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't really know. I guess that I just didn't realize how much I   
still need you until today. I've been doing okay on my own for the past   
ten years, but it just seems so much easier with you here to help me." I  
bite my lip to keep from crying. I feel like I'm five again, waiting by   
the window for Daddy to get home after going months without seeing him.   
Only I'm not five, and it hasn't been months it's be years. And he just   
looks so real that it's the only comfort I have left.  
  
"Come on baby, don't cry." He mummers as he draws me into a hug. There's  
no way that he's just in my mind. I can feel the soft cotton of his red   
shirt underneath my cheek.  
  
"I'm sorry. I hardly ever cry, you know that. But it seems that I've   
been doing nothing else since I arrived here." As I struggle to gain   
control over my clashing emotions he sways with me back and forth,   
soothing me with quiet words. Moments like these seemed so rare when he   
was alive. I guess we both couldn't let each other see that we more   
human than we wanted to be.   
  
He wipes the last of my tears away and steps back so as to look me in   
the eyes. "Ponchita, I love being able to be here and talk with you and   
hold you again. And I love being able to give you advice even if you   
don't follow it. But I wish you would."  
  
I nod weakly in agreement. "I know I should have listened to you.   
Especially after Hadji said almost the exact same thing. But it's not so  
much about me depending on him anymore. I just don't want to hurt him   
anymore than I already have."  
  
"Jessie, I've always been straight with you, even when it probably   
wasn't for the best, so I'm not gonna start lying to you now to spare   
you're feelings. Honey I love you, but you're being a jackass." I try to  
pull away in outrage but Dad has too strong a grip. "I don't say it to   
hurt you honey, I say it because it's true. Can you tell me that you   
haven't done some really stupid things before?" I shake my head and stop   
struggling in confirmation. "Why can't you open your eyes honey. You're   
so much smarter than I was, but you're just as stubborn and that's what   
is blinding you."  
  
"Cut to the chase Dad. What are you telling me?"  
  
"I'm telling you to open your eyes and take a good look at this mess of   
yours, Ponchita. Yes, you've hurt Jonny badly in the past as well as   
yourself. And a lot of your decisions have been selfish and irrational   
and immature."  
  
"I get the message Dad."  
  
"I hope you do, I really do. So you've made some really horrible   
mistakes, we all have. But the difference with you is that continue to   
make bad mistakes. Why are you punishing yourself for something that   
happened a long time ago?"  
  
"Because I don't want it to happen again! Is that a good enough reason   
for you Dad?!"  
  
"No it's not," He replies quietly. " You make it sound as though you   
don't have any control over the decisions you make. But you do. No one   
decides anything for you but you."  
  
"I know that Dad. Most of the time I know that. I'm just scared that I'm  
going to screw this up too badly to salvage even friendship."  
  
"Everybody gets afraid sometimes, honey. Even me. I know that you're   
afraid of hurting him and yourself. But what's more painful for the two   
of you? Living without each other and the love you both know you could   
have, or giving it a shot and accepting everything that happens, come   
what may."  
  
"A part of me does know that it's harder to do it this way. But it's   
safer for everyone involved."  
  
"Ponchita, life isn't safe. Life's a gamble and you can live it to the   
fullest by getting past the regrets and taking what you want with both   
hands or you can stay safe and alone. I, of all people should know that   
life's too short to waste alone without love."  
  
"You really did love Mom, didn't you?" I ask, not wanting to believe   
that I never fully realized it until now.  
  
"I still do. I always will," He doesn't bother with a smile to lighten   
his words. "I was too afraid to let myself go, too afraid of getting   
hurt to realize that she was so important to me when I was alive. And   
now it's too late to do anything but ponder the what ifs."  
  
And maybe it always was a simple decision, for as soon as the words were  
out of his mouth, I knew what the only choice could be. "Thank you Daddy.  
I guess I knew all along what my decision would be, but I didn't want to   
see it. Until now."  
  
Dad smiles and starts to fade into the horizon. "It was my pleasure   
Ponchita. I have a feeling that you won't be needing me for a long time   
now."  
  
"I'll always need you Daddy."  
  
"I love you Jessie. I guess I never said that enough when I was alive   
and I'm sorry for that too." He was almost completely gone by now and it  
seemed he was nothing more than a random voice carried over the wind   
from a nearby ship.  
  
"Don't be sorry Daddy, I always knew. So did Mom."   
  
  
Cause I should be laughing at this joke  
Dressed up as love disguised as hope  
Isn't it funny after all this time  
A tear is falling, when I should be laughing  
  
  
With Reena sound asleep upstairs, Jessie gone, and Hadji busy doing a   
dozen little chores that I've neglected to do for the past week, there   
is nothing left for me to do but watch t.v. or read. Both prove to   
require more concentration that I can give, so I busy myself by looking   
out the window. That's when I see Jessie coming back from the cliffs   
looking more happy and alive than I've seen her in years. And it doesn't   
seem fair that she should be so happy when I'm so miserable. It doesn't   
seem fair for her to look so perfect walking back from the cliffs with   
wind tossed hair, as if she belongs here more than I. Even the earth   
seems to betray me when Jessie moves over it. And if possible, I love   
her even more for doing so.  
  
When she enters the house her gaze fixes almost immediately on mine and   
in her eyes is something that I never fully believed I would see until   
now. But I don't allow myself to drink in the hope that seems to flow   
from those eyes and I instead turn back to my window, back to my   
solitude. I've hoped so much already and all that it has accomplished is  
to chip away the small remainder of my heart that Jessie left behind. I   
don't want to feel anymore hollow and empty than I already do.  
  
"Jonny?" The uncertainty in her voice is almost my undoing but I steel   
myself against turning around. A smart man knows his weaknesses and I am  
no fool. One look from Jess's eyes has been enough to make my heart   
swell with hope or send me to my knees. So I do not turn around and face  
what I fear to believe in.   
  
"What do you want Jessie." The voice that comes out of my mouth seems   
too rough to be mine.  
  
I can feel Jessie flinch behind me but she is not silent." I'm sorry."  
  
Two words, two simple words and that's all. She could be referring to   
any number of things and yet she does not elaborate. Because she knows   
there is no need. And still I do not turn to face her. "So am I."  
  
But Jessie won't let me ignore her so thoroughly. I might have expected   
her to attempt to turn me around. I was prepared for that. However I was  
not prepared for her to slide her arms around my waist for behind and   
content herself with resting her cheek against my back. "Please don't   
push me away. I couldn't bear it if you did."  
  
"Why is it that you always seem to come running to me the instant I   
attempt to move on with my life? Do you take some sick pleasure in   
seeing me suffer? Do you get a kick knowing that I'll probably spend the   
rest of my life wanting you and knowing that I can't have you?" I ask   
bitterly, hating myself for being cruel, but knowing it's the only way.  
  
I can feel her arms stiffen slightly but she does not release me. "I   
deserved that." she whispers. "And I deserve your hatred for all the   
stupid mistakes I've made."  
  
"I don't hate you Jessie, I just can't play this game anymore. I've   
never been very good at it."   
  
"You should. Hate me I mean. I've screwed up everything time and time   
again. I've spent so much time rationalizing and being scared that I   
never really heard what you were saying. I was convinced that I was   
going to screw things up again that I didn't give us a chance. And in   
doing so I threw away the best thing I've ever had." I finally allow   
myself to turn in her arms so that I'm looking down at her. I have to   
see her face to know that this isn't some twisted dream that will leave   
me feeling more damaged than I was when she left me. But she is real   
this time, so much so that it almost hurts to look down at her and know   
that she has felt the same void in her heart. She reaches up and touches   
my cheek, before continuing. "And I just had to tell you that I'm sorry   
for being an idiot. You don't have to forgive me and I know it probably   
won't change anything. But for all it's worth you won't be the only one   
spending the rest of your life missing someone that you can't have. I'd   
miss you forever if don't want me to stay."   
  
I let all the pent up feelings out in a single breath as I turn my cheek  
towards her hand. "I don't want you to go. I don't want you to ever go   
away again."  
  
She grants me a somewhat watery smile before standing on tiptoe. "Then   
I'm not going anywhere. I love you." she whispers quietly against my l  
ips.  
  
"I love you more." And no more words are needed between us as we finally  
put the past behind us to move on with the future. Our future.  
  
  
Isn't it funny, I should be laughing  
And isn't funny  
I should be laughing  
  
  
"I wish you wouldn't go." Jonny whispers as he hugs me tightly against   
him.  
  
"I know, but I have to. We both knew that this would happen eventually."  
I reply against his chest, not willing to look up quite yet.  
  
"You would think that she was not coming back in a few days." Hadji   
mutters in mock disgust as he pulls me out of Jonny's arms and into his.  
"Have a safe flight my friend."  
  
"I will." I tell him before he smiles and places a chaste kiss on my   
lips.  
  
"Okay, enough, enough." I'm once again pulled into Jonny's embrace. "I'm  
going to miss you like crazy." He says as he leans down.  
  
"Yuck Daddy! If you don't stop kissing Jessie she's going to miss her   
flight!"  
  
I smile against Jonny' lips. "She's right you know." I pull away and hug  
Reena before grabbing my bag. "So I guess I'll see you all in a few   
days."  
  
It's amazingly easy to walk away this time, armed with the knowledge   
that I will return and nothing can stop me. I pause to look back at   
them as I did so many years ago. The group of people standing behind me   
are not waving with resignation as the people in my memory do. Reena is   
in Jonny's arms and Hadji stands beside him. They all smile and wave   
when they catch me watching them. It's exactly what I've needed to see   
all these years. A family that's waiting for me. People who love me. A   
place where I belong. And it's been there all this time waiting for me   
to wake up and see it. It's perfect. Too perfect to ever leave behind   
again.  
  
"Screw it. Cindy can send me all my stuff." I mutter as I drop my bag   
and run back to the people who love me best.  
  



End file.
